Whose Line is it Anyway? Harry Potter Style!
by musiclover
Summary: What happens when ABC replaces them with our favorite witches and wizards? NEW MARAUDERS EPISODE featuring teenage Lily Evans, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Severus Snape
1. Pranks and The Letter

Hi, people! This is a co-written fiction between my self and a friend who is not connected to the Internet yet. I hope you enjoy this, we've never written fan fiction before, so hopefully it won't stink too terribly bad. Please enjoy! Disclaimer: We own nothing! Please don't sue us. We've never seen a story like this before so we didn't copy. Harry Potter and co. belongs to JK Rowling. "Who's Line is it Anyway" belongs to whoever owns it.  
  
On a nice, warm summer day, we join Harry Potter and the Weasleys at the Burrow. They had decided to rescue him from the Dursleys for the remainder of the summer, however this year, they may not head back to Hogwarts!  
  
"Wanna play Quidditch?" asks Ron.  
  
"Sure, how many will it be?" answered Harry.  
  
"Oh, just us, Fred, and George."  
  
"Two on two, ok, but what about Hermione and Ginny?"  
  
"Mione not that good and besides Fred and George planned..."  
  
"Uh-oh"  
  
"They want us to help them."  
  
So, Harry descended toward a hidden field with his Firebolt to play Quidditch wondering what the twins were scheming. He mounted his broom and kicked off. When they were completely out of sight Fred and George told them about their next prank on Professor Snape a.k.a. the "J. A." (AN: Take a guess)  
  
"We've put up with him for too long..." started Fred.  
  
"And we need to seek our revenge." finished George.  
  
"We're going to fill a balloon with a special potion."  
  
"It will shrink his head and turn him into any character we choose."  
  
"So, we decided to make him look like Drew Carey."  
  
"How are you going to get to his house?" asked Ron.  
  
"Well the Floo Network of course." answered Fred.  
  
Well that night when everyone was asleep and Fred, George, Ron, and Harry (Ron and Harry were keeping guard ) went to pull the prank but the effect went wrong. Instead of getting fat, his head shrinking, and wearing glasses, he started getting a little taller and all of his greasy hair fell out. He looked a little like Colin Mochrie.  
  
"Boy, we sure got him good." they both said.  
  
"I can't wait to see him at school looking like this," said Ron.  
  
"The best thing about this is, there isn't an antidote." Fred said, looking like Christmas had come early.  
  
They all went to bed knowing the worst teacher at Hogwarts, was in for a surprise in the morning.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Snape woke up the next morning as usual, but when he looked in the mirror, he realized there was no hair blocking his hideous face, thus the mirror cracked. He let out a cry that would curl your hair.  
  
"My God, I'm hideous! (AN: you just figured that out! Brownies for whoever figures out who says this!) Well maybe the women will think bald people are sexy, I mean it's better than the Michael Jackson look I had, but still! Oh, wait till I get my hands on whoever did this. Ah well, I guess Potter can take the rap."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Fred and George had bewitched a camcorder, so all four of the pranksters had seen Snape's reaction, laughed when the mirror cracked, and ran away when he tried to do the moonwalk. They couldn't even de-gnome the garden because they kept cracking up.  
  
That had been the best summer any of them could remember, but it wasn't over yet. About the time they should have been receiving their Hogwarts letters, they got letters from a company named ABC. They were starting a new season of a well known show, and looking for cast...  
  
Dear Mr. Potter:  
We congratulate you on being eligible to become a cast member on the popular show 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' We have selected a number of witches and wizards, since we all know you exist. ("Dammit" said Harry) We regret to inform you that unlike you usually would under such circumstances, you will not be interims for the former cast. Colin Mochrie was killed in an accident involving a bottle of bewitched Rogaine. Ryan Stiles tripped over a person stunned by his shoes, hit his head on a low flying aircraft and has lost all his memory. He is however attending group therapy with Gilderory Lockhart. Drew Carey, went on a vacation with unlimited buffet. We never found him. Wayne Brady and the others quit. We would be happy if you would take this position.  
Sincerely,  
Greg Helms  
Head of ABC (AN: not really)  
  
Just then Mr. Weasley came into the kitchen, looking exhausted.  
  
"I've dealt with regurgitating toilets, but never bewitched Rogaine."  
Ron and Hermione came down from their make-out session, I mean "talk" looking thoroughly excited.  
  
"I can't believe we're going to be on TV and still be able to have lessons." said Hermione.  
  
"Too bad what happened to Colin, he was good." said Ron.  
  
"Where did you watch Whose Line?" Harry asked Ron.  
  
"Most of those guys are wizards so it's on the WWN."  
  
"Ahh."  
  
"Do you two know who else is on this?" Hermione cut in.  
  
"Professor Snape and Draco Malfoy." Mr. Weasley answered.  
  
"Why that little git," Ron muttered, "where ever we go, he's gonna be right there isn't he?"  
  
"I'm afraid so boys." Mr. Weasley answered.  
  
"That's bullshit" Ron and Harry yelled together.  
  
"Snape doesn't have a comical bone in his body." cried Hermione while Ron and Harry share wide-eyed looks as they recall the prank.  
  
"Maybe they'll let us use him for spell practice." Harry said hopefully.  
  
They all knew that this was going to be and interesting year.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ September 1st  
  
Harry and the Weasley's went to King's Cross Station and boarded Platform 9 3/4 ready to go to Hogwarts. They needed to know how to get the ABC and Hermione was desperate to know what the curriculum for the year was going to be. Before they left, Ron promised to give the family, except Percy aka the J.A.D (Junior Assistant for a Dumb ass) some of his profits. About halfway through the day they met Draco and his goons (AN: I wanted to call them purple monkeys but Amby said no), who decided to gloat about Draco's new career (AN: sounds like us That's why we're Slytherins Oh.)  
  
"Well I guess I won't be seeing you this year. It will be like a birthday gift." said Draco.  
  
"Well keep dreaming," said Harry, "we all got the same letter and I have to be stuck with an idiot such as yourself for another year."  
  
"And also," added Hermione, "we do this show for Muggles as well, so I'd better be sure to keep your wand away and hope they don't fall asleep for your comedy."  
  
This information put Malfoy in near shock. For him being a pureblood doing Muggle comedy was something only Colin could do, and will be hilarious for who know he is a wizard.  
  
"Your lying you filthy Mudblood." said Draco.  
  
"Then how do I know what Whose Line is if I'm a Mudblood." said Hermoine.  
  
"Just get out Malfoy and you'll be doing the world a favor." said Ron. Draco was reluctant to do it, but he left anyway.  
  
"I hope this experience will not be ruined because of Malfoy," said Hermoine.  
  
When they reached Hogwarts, the welcoming feast was delayed by the announcement for the Whose Line cast.  
  
"... and we will have a new Potions teacher for the year for Professor Snape is part of the cast as well," said Dumbledore.(As he is speaking it was hard to be heard for children laughing at Snape's new look.)  
  
"Season starts September 10th , so all studies except Potions  
the cast will have pre-made work. All cast members meet me in my  
office after the feast." he said.  
  
When they all got into Dumbledore's office, Snape was sobbing quietly and saying things like "Why me?" Dumbledore came in and sat down in his chair. He made another announcement to the cast that Sirius Black was also going to be on the show.  
  
"Well, anyway here is a list of games that you could be playing during the episodes and your positions as cast. Hermoine gets to be behind the desk, give fake points and pick a winner. Harry, Ron, Malfoy, and Snape will be the comedians. Sirius will be a comedian in and out of episodes. On September 6th you will go by Portkey to the studio. Everyone returned to their dormitories excited for what was about to be the most hilarious experience of their lives.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ September 6th  
  
The cast came into the Entrance Hall at 9:30, right after breakfast, where Dumbledore was holding Drew Carey's mug, which was the Portkey. Harry felt the jerk behind his navel and landed on the 'Whose Line' set. A lady with a headset came in and told them what to do.  
  
"You know what your roles are and all the comedy you'll do is improv, so do your best. After make-up, you will begin to pre-season recording. The live audience is waiting, and you start in 30 min.  
  
Half and hour later, they were in position and ready to go: 


	2. The First Episode!

~music starts~  
Hermione: Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway. The show where everything's  
made up and the points don't matter, just like Malfoy's thoughts. You're  
looking at the new cast, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Severus  
Snape, and I'm Hermione Granger. ~camera does close up of each character in  
turn~ This first game is called 'Weird Neswcasters' Malfoy, your behind the  
desk, Ron you're the main anchor, I'm the co-anchor ~reads card~ who is  
your girlfriend realizing your cheating on me?! Harry is the sports caster  
who is a 70's hippie on pot at Woodstock!  
Harry: Cool! ~does peace sign~ Like peace-out dude!  
Draco: "Ok, that was scary. Bad mental picture. ~shudders~ ~audience howls  
with laughter ~ ~Harry looks appalled~  
Hermione: "Ok, and Severus will be the weatherman who's... ~wide-eyed  
stare~ life's ambition is to be a nudist.  
Snape: What's wrong with that?  
Others: AHHHHH! IT BURNS!!!!  
Draco: Ok, let's get this started before we're all scarred for life  
~music~  
Ron: In today's headline news Tinky-Winky and Po were mauled by wild bears  
while on vacation in Jellystone National Park ~audience laughs ~ and Fudge  
has finally admitted to being a retard. ~turns to co-anchor~ What are your  
thoughts on this Hermione, dear.  
Hermione: Don't call me dear ~smacks Ron~ and I don't see why you give a  
damn, why don't you go f*** a cow! ~looks away from him pretending to fume  
with anger~  
Ron: ~looks confused ~ This just in, I haven't the slightest clue...  
Hermione: Don't play dumb with me Ronald Weasley! ~goes up to some random  
girl in the audience~ ~points to lipstick~ The same lipstick. Get your eyes  
off him he's mine! Ron, I am gonna kick your ass!  
Ron: ~ducking from blows~ And now onto sports, Harry  
Harry: ~looks deranged and drunk~ Yeah, why can't we all just be friends?  
~starts drunkenly singing 'Why can't we be Friends' off key~ Ok, for  
sports, Braves beat the Mets 12-0. It was cruel. The band's starting to  
play 'Taps' for them. And the Falcons beat the Greenbay Packers  
76-7 (Yeah, that's right!). Brutal since they've never lost a home fame.  
The football players need to find an inner-peace and be friends. Back to  
you Ron, Peace-out! ~falls over drunkenly~  
Ron: ~hides under desk~ Thank-you Harry, back here at Ground Zero ~angry  
war cry~ All I can say is..  
Hermione: I have you now you son of a bitch!  
Ron: HELP!!!!  
Hermione: Now onto Pro... er. Severus with the weather. RON YOU ARE DEAD!  
Snape: Well today in weather it is getting hot out west, really hot! A lot  
of secrets will be revealed.  
Hermione: You better believe it!  
Snape: Well I can't hide it anymore ~pretends to take off clothes~ I don't  
have a pointer today so... There's going to be a cold front in from Canada  
to hit New York. Hurricane Ty, will hit the South Carolina coast by  
tomorrow. Is it drafty in here or what.  
Ron: ~shielding his eyes~ I don't know you tell me.  
Snape: ~sits down on leather stool and gets stuck~ Stupid leather seats!  
Well back to you.  
Hermione: Yeah you cover up your eyes around him  
Ron: Wouldn't you?  
Hermione: You know what Ron ~gives Ron the finger~ You don't even deserve a  
whole hand. We're through, get out of my sight. ~drags Ron back stage~  
Draco: ~hits buzzer~ ~takes his seat next to Harry~ You know I heard that  
suicide is painless. Want to Avada Kedavra each other after the show?  
Harry: Sure  
Snape: It wasn't that bad  
Harry/Ron/Draco: ~wide-eyed -open mouthed fish impersonations~  
Ron: Can I join you?  
Harry/Draco: Sure!  
Snape: ~pouts ~  
Harry: We're just kidding... for now.  
Hermione: Ok our next game is props this is for all four of you. Harry and  
Draco will have this spiky looking thing ~holds up half a hollow sphere  
with four 'legs' coming out of the outside~ and Ron and Severus will have  
these ~holds up two foam Y's ~ Ok, Ron and Severus go.  
Ron/Snape: ~holding objects out in front of them like divining sticks~  
Quick we need to find water! ~swings objects around~  
Hermione: ~buzz~  
Harry/Draco: ~turns objects onto 'legs'~ Itsy Bitsy Spider my ass! ~run  
away~  
Hermione: ~buzz~  
Ron/Snape: ~holds object upright so it looks like Y~ This episode brought  
to you by the letter "Y"  
Hermione: ~buzz~  
Harry/Draco: ~object upside down so legs are in air~ Heidey Ho neighbor!  
Hermione: ~buzz~  
Ron/Snape: ~holding objects up to faces with straight part sticking out at  
nose~ ~elephant call~  
Hermione: ~buzz~  
Harry/Draco: ~holds object, legs up on top of Draco's head~ And the winner  
is Professor Snape! ~Draco jumps up and down looking happy~  
Hermione: ~buzz~ ~buzz~ ~buzz~ We'll be back after this short break  
~camera pans out~  
~camera pans in~  
Hermione: Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway. Our next game is called  
Scenes from a Hat, we asked members from audience to write down ideas for  
things they wanted our actors to act out and we took the good ones and put  
them in this hat ~pulls out Uncle Sam hat~ and we trashed the crappy ones.  
Ok this is for everyone. ~Actors stand up Harry/Draco on one side Ron/Snape  
on the other~ Ok, this scene is 'Confusing Battle Cries'  
Ron: Give me liberty or a Chocolate frog!  
Harry: Don't shoot till you see the whites. (Death eaters dress in black)  
Snape: We're all the same on the inside ~silence~  
Hermione: ~buzz~ 'Bad topics to talk to the Queen of England about'  
Draco: Do you pick your nose, is that what you do in the carriage?  
Snape: Do you use max or mini?  
Harry: I lick your stamps! ~ audience ROFL~  
Hermione: ~buzz~ haha, oh, Ok, 'What Ron's Thinking Right Now'  
Draco: Ya know carrots are born in the dirt.  
Ron: I know why Hermione's mad, she's PMS'n all the time  
Hermione: ~buzz~ Ron, you are soooo dead when we get back to school  
Ron: ~gulp~  
Hermione: 'Things not to say during a Quidditch match.'  
Draco: Harry, why ain't you riding side-saddle?  
Hermione: ~buzz~ 'First Drafts of Famous Movie Lines'  
Snape: Follow the yellow brick toad. Follow the yellow brick toad.  
Ron: FREDZILLIA!  
Harry: I'll be back.... tomorrow.  
Draco: Miss Scarlet I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no teletubbies.  
Harry: Luke, I am your second uncle twice removed.  
Snape: Quite, frankly Scarlet, I don't give a lamb.  
Hermione: ~buzz~ ~buzz~ ~buzz~ Ok, Our final game is Hoedown ~actors stand  
up~  
Snape: yee-haw  
Hermione: Ok, whatever, with the help of Laura Hall. I need a suggestion  
from the audience.  
Random Person in Audience: GAME SHOW HOST  
Hermione: The Game Show Host Hoedown. Ok, take it away! ~waves to Laura  
Hall~  
~music starts~  
Draco: ~takes wand out~  
Whose Line is  
A corrupted show  
I can't tell who  
Is a Friend or Foe  
Harry I know  
Is the Weakest Link  
Just for laughs  
I turn you into a mink  
~turns Harry into a mink and back again~  
Harry:  
I am very famous  
'Cause I'm a game show host you see  
I just went bankrupt  
And I'm also in Jeopardy  
And I try with all might  
I just kissed Malfoy  
Because the Price was Right  
Snape:  
I am a game show host  
Here with a contestant  
The games we play  
May be the most unpleasant  
It is really tough  
And the job is henis  
The answer to the question  
Is...  
Hermione: ~buzz~  
Ron:  
I was on Blind Date  
And met a complete stranger  
And went out on a date  
With Hermione Granger  
She is hard to impress  
And I did something really wrong  
I made crappy love to her  
And she gave me the gong.  
All: And she gave me the gong! ~loud applause~  
Hermione: That's all for tonight folks. See ya next time. Ron, do you want  
me to hang or poison you?  
~camera pans out~  
Well? Good? Bad? Need to work on some stuff? Tell me! See that little box  
down in the left- hand corner? It's your friend. Click on it and tell me  
what you think! See ya! 


	3. Behind the Scenes 1

**Disclaimer:** Don't own, don't sue

**Authors Note:** I am so terribly sorry, but have any of you been a teenager? It's a full time job I tell you. In addition to marching band, symphonic band, and pep band practice, I personally have Jr. Beta, piano lessons, trumpet lessons, and both of us have end-of-semester projects and finals to study for. I'm not trying to make excuses here, its just facts of life. However, here is an excuse, my computer has royally screwed itself up and I can't get the damn thing to work. It appears as though Amber is going to have to start updating, or I'll have to update at school. Oh-well. Onward we go! 

** Bold/underline:** Change in character speaking/action

_Italics:_ Unspoken action

**_(ect…):_** Strange identity, personality, quirk, ect.

You're Late! Colin's Funeral and Snape's Hair 

**Ron:** Well I think that went well.

**Harry:** I think so.

**Malfoy:** So, how about that curse?

**Hermione:** Don't remind me, I only just got the image out of my mind. _Points to backstage workers._ I wonder if they know where we go to get our homework.

**Harry/Ron:** NO!

**Hermione:** Come on._ Drags Harry and Ron behind her to within earshot of the backstage workers._

**Backstage worker 1: **Did you go to Colin's funeral?

**Backstage worker 2:** No, I couldn't stand it. What a terrible way to go!

**Backstage worker 1:** I didn't even know you could get Rogaine poisoning! You really should warn your husband Jackie.

**Jackie (backstage worker 2):** I know Zoe. How did he look?

**Zoe (backstage worker 1):** I don't know, closed casket. I didn't stay long. _Harry, Ron, and Hermione pull back._

**Hermione:** How terrible!

**Ron:** Yeah. Dad said they had to keep it closed casket.

**Harry:** Why?

**Ron:** Did something funny to his scalp. I think it turned bright purple with green polka dots. _Head backstage worker runs up._

**Head backstage worker:** We're running behind schedule. I just got a call from the network; they want us to shoot one more show today.

**Malfoy:** How can we already be behind schedule? We've only been here one day!

**Head backstage worker:** That's the way show biz works kid. You're all due on set, ready in five. _Walks off_

**Snape:** I refuse to do one more show bald!

**Harry:** Tell you what Professor, we'll try and find an antidote for you on one condition.

**Snape:** I knew it! Give me the antidote Potter!

**Harry:** I didn't do it, but I do know who did. They say there's no antidote, but I'm sure we could mix one up.

**Snape:** I'm not trusting any potion you make Potter!

**Harry:** Hermione, will you help us make Snape's antidote?

**Hermione:** I'd love to.

**Harry:** There, you know it's safe.

**Snape:**_ snorts decisively_ Name your price.

**Harry:** That you keep it clean.

**Snape:** Fine! We're due on set.

**All:**_ walk onto set and take places. Intro music starts._

Well, what do ya think? First time I've done backstage. Tell me if you like it in this format or if you would rather me keep it in paragraphs. Please review.


	4. Episode 2

**Disclaimer:** Don't own, don't sue

** Bold/underline:** Change in character speaking/action

_Italics:_ Unspoken action

**_(ect…):_** Strange identity, personality, quirk, ect.

**Whose Line is it Anyway Episode Two**

****

****

**Hermoine:**_reads card_ Ok, welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. It's just like finding Malfoy on a box of Wheates. It doesn't mean a thing._ Audience laughs and Draco looks put out_ Our first game is called 'Let's Make a Date'. This is for all of you. Ron you'll be a contestant on a dating service-type video, hoping to be chosen by one of our bachelors, but everyone else has a strange identity, and you have to try to guess who they are. If you are not scared, take it when you are ready. 

**Ron:** _looking like a girl looking into a cosmetic mirror and closing it._  Bachelor number one. I love to go out and be on the scene, if we were out where would you take me and why? 

**Harry:** (**_Fonzie on Happy Days)_** Ahheey! How's it goin'. I'd probably take you to Big Al's, grab a burger, and we would ride my cycle to make-out point to party. But all I need to do is snap my fingers and you'd come_. snaps them_

**Ron:** Ohh! I think I'm in love.

**Hermoine:** _shouts_ Ronald Weasley! Just you wait until after the show.

**Ron:** Uh-oh!? Uh, bachelor number two. Hi. I'm a very active woman. I do Tae-bo and jog one mile (about 2.5 km if you prefer) every day. What is your favorite activity?

**Draco:**** _(Power-crazed Southern State Trooper)_** Whoo-Whee! By golly my favorite activity would be to catch a perp, frisk him, and read him his rights. _Tips hat and adjusts imaginary sunglasses_

**Ron:** Well just lock me up officer. Hehehehe Bachelor number three, if we got married, what kind of honeymoon would you take to sweep me off my feet?

**Snape:**** _(Wicked Witch of the West and Flying Monkey Army)_ **Well my pretty, I will take you and make you into the best lady in Oz. _Turns around and gets on stomach perched on stool. Starts flapping arms and making monkey sounds. _Oooh-ooooh-ooooh Ahhhh-ahhhhhhh!

**Ron: ** Ok, that was weird. Back to bachelor number one. When we first meet how would you move me. _gives a sexy purr_

**Harry:** Well my foxy momma. I would just… _gets up and kisses Ron_. Hey now, how was that? _Puts both thumbs up at an angle and tries to look pleased while holding back a gag._

**Ron:** Wow! I don't know what to say, but I think I made my decision.

**Harry:** I thought you'd say that! Well I'm off to the Cunninghams's. See ya on our date at Big Al's.

**Draco/Snape: **Wait! What about us!

**Harry:** Aheeey! I'll wait. OK. _Snaps fingers_ Chill!

**Ron:** I didn't know I'd have people fighting over me. I must be really beautiful. _Audience laugh _Humph! Back to bachelor number two. If you were any movie or TV star, who would you be?

**Draco:** That's a hum-dinger. I guess I'd be Jed Clampitt. _Looks over at Snape and acts like he's riding a motorcycle _Pull over you. You're under arrest for being that ugly and speeding while in mid-air. Here's your ticket, you stupid bitch!

**Snape:** You'll pay for that my sweet hehehehe! Come my army! _Gets on stool again and flaps arms_ Oooooh eeeeek ooooooh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh!

**Ron:** Bachelor number three, write me a very good love poem.

**Snape:** Are you sure?

**Ron: **Yes, write me a love poem.

**Snape:** Ok, here it goes: I want to go out with you more than all the rest

                                      Because lady you're the best

                                       If you don't you'll be singing the blues

                                      Cause I'll beat your ass and steal your red shoes hehehehe!

**Hermione:** _Buzz_ Good job, I suppose. Ron, can you guess who each bachelor was?

**Ron:** Let's see. Harry was some fancy lover, like 007, James Bond. 

**Hermione:** Not, quite. He's Fonzie from "Happy Days".

**Ron: **Oh, that explains the kiss. I'm gonna be scarred for life, though I'm impressed by what a good job he did.

**Others:** ARGH! Ron not you too! 

**Ron:** Malfoy was a police officer form Cops.

**Hermione:** Close enough. He was a power-crazed Southern State-Trooper.

**Ron:** And Snape is a Schizophrenic You-Know-Who whose other personality is a bunch of monkeys.

**Harry:** You better hope ol' Tom isn't watching this.

**Hermione: **Nope, he's the Wicked Witch of the West and her Flying Monkey Army.

**Ron:** Close enough.

**Hermione:** Alright, this nest game is called 'Two Line Vocabulary'. This is again, for all of you. The scene is _reads card _the Hogwarts Band-room. Harry, Ron, and Malfoy each play a different instrument. Harry, you play trumpet. Ron, you play tuba, and Malfoy you play drums. Snape is the band director and can say anything he wants. The rest of you, your sentences are in your pockets.

**Harry:** How did they get there?

**Hermione: **I don't know, magic?

**Harry:** Oh.

**Hermione:** Whenever your ready.

**Snape:** You need to play louder.

**Harry:** Shut-up, you dumb-ass!

**Snape:** Potter! You Won't play in the competition this weekend with that attitude or the pitiful playing. What exactly do you do in sectionals anyway?!

**Harry: **Shut-up, you dumb-ass!

**Snape:** Oh, forget it. Now how do the rest of you play? Drums at ready…

**Ron:** What note am I playing?

**Snape:** Not you! I said drums! Draco, show them how a Slytherin performs. Give the section the signal. Ready…

**Malfoy:** Buzz your sticks! _Audience laughs_

**Snape:** You're not playing loud enough!

**Draco:** Can you hear me now?

**Snape:** Yes, but what was that?! We'll be humiliated with a signal from the drumline like "Buzz your sticks". I'll hang you if you even try!

**Ron:** You can't do that!

**Snape:** You wait Weasley.

**Harry:** Shut-up, you dumb-ass!

**Snape:** _getting furious_ Potter! You are out of this competition!

**Ron:** You can't do that!

**Snape:** Oh, yes I can.

**Harry:** Let's get it on.

**Snape:** WHAT?!

**Malfoy:** Buzz your sticks!

**Hermione:** Oh, oh, oh _covers eyes_

**Ron:** You can't do that.

**Hermione:** Thank-you! _Cell-phone goes off in audience_

**Snape:** Look, even a cell-phone is in better tune than you!

**Harry:** Let's get it on!

**Ron:** What note am I playing?

**Snape:** Let's end this now and bring it on! _Buzz Buzz Buzz_

**Hermione:** Ok, that was um, interesting. Snape, sorry but you just looked sissy. Not intimidating at all.

**Snape:** Ten points from Gryffindor!

**Ron:** You can't do that!

**Harry: **The game's ever dumb-ass!

**Hermione:** _furiously_ Ok, shut-up! The next game is 'World's Worst'. Get in a line NOW!

**Guys:** Yes, ma'mn

**Hermione:** This is for all four of you. The scene is _reads card_ World's Worst Do-It-Yourself Videos. Whenever you're ready, take it away.

**Harry:** _looks like sitting at desk_ Hi, I'm Bill Clinton. I used to be President. I'm going to show you how to get women in 3 easy steps. _Buzz_

**Malfoy:** _says slowly_ You put your right foot in. You take your right foot out. You put your right foot in. Now you try it. _Buzz_

**Harry:** Hi. I'm Lord Voldemort! Tired of those always failing murder plots? Well with this new training video, you can kiss that cheating boyfriend or snot-nosed brat good-bye! _Buzz_

**Ron:** Tired of those frustrating banana peels? Well I'll shoe you how to remove them in 3 easy steps. _Buzz_

**Snape:** Tired of always being a moron? Well with this video, A Guide to Intelligence, you'll be smarter than the Hooked-On-Phonics kids. _Buzz_

**Ron: **Hi, I'm Professor Snape. I'm here to teach you proper hair hygiene. _Buzz _

**Malfoy:** This tape will show you how to clap. First, you put both hands apart. Good. Next you clasp them together. Now you try it… Again…And again… Wonderful! _Buzz Buzz Buzz_

**Hermione:** That was great! Ok, it's time for Hoedown! I need a topic form the audience.

**Random Member of the Audience:** The Talk-show Hoedown!

**Hermione:** Ok, the Talk-show Hoedown. With the help of Laura Hall, take it away when your ready. _Music starts_

**Ron:** I was on a talk-show and it was a real swinger

         I was on an episode of Jerry Springer

         I didn't' know what to say, but it was something I can't 

         It turns out that I was a lesbian's husband's aunt __

**Harry:** I just died and went straight to Hell

            That's my story and I have nothing else to tell

            But the worst part is, there's nothing on TV

            All they have is Malfoy on Regis and Kathy Lee

**Snape:** I go to baseball stadiums just to make fun of the game

             It was my only ticket to great fame

             I wound up joining and replacing ol' Morgan

             It was because I said I played the organ

**Malfoy:** I was watching TV before I hit the sack

              My favorite show is When Animals Attack

              I saw it one time and there was something big and hairy

              It turned out to be no one but Jerry.

**All:** It was no one but Jerry!

**Hermione:** That's all for tonight! See ya folks!

****

****

****

****

****


	5. Episode 3

**Disclaimer:** We're poor. Please don't sue us. Harry and co. belong to JKR. "Grapefruit Diet" belongs to Weird Al Yankovic. We love ya man. Whose Line Is It Anyway? Belongs to Time-Warner Bros. and ABC

****

**Episode 3 **

**Hermione:** Okay, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway" the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like Snape and a pack of peanuts- - it doesn't mean a thing. _Tosses a pack of peanuts labled "Severus"  We're_ starting with "Two Line Vocabulary" This is for Snape, Ron, and Harry. Ron has the two lines "That's easy for you to say" and "Is that good?". Harry has the two lines "What are those?" and "Sorry, I wasn't listening." Snape says anything he wants. The scene is an army captain recruiting people for a dangerous mission.

**Malfoy****:** Ha! That's Potter's usual statements in class! This 'otta be a cinch for him!

**Harry:  **_though somewhat true_ No, it's not & you better shut your damned mouth before I shut it for you! I mean, that's always YOUR statement in Transfiguration!

**Malfoy****: **No, it is not!

**Hermione:** _rolls eyes_ Okay, can we please get one game going without some sort of confrontation. It's so hard being the only female and only the one to seem to hold any sense in my head!

**Others:** HEY!

**Hermione:** Oh, just go on and forget Malfoy.

**Snape****:** Okay, men…hey, where did everybody go? Well, since you are the only two of ya, it will be east to get recruits. Your mission is to get all the remaining prisoners left from the hostages. You will be supplied with a gun with 100 shells, a comb, gum, and barbed wire. Food is on your own terms.

**Harry:** Sorry, I wasn't listening.

**Snape****:** _looking aggravated_ I said gun comb, gum, and barbed. You will have to sneak in the enemy's camp, find the hostages, and bring them back.

**Ron:** That's easy for you to say!

**Snape****:** Well, yes it is! I'm the captain!

**Harry:** What are those?

**Snape****:** Those are stripes. They show I'm the captain.

**Harry:** _Points_ What are those?

**Snape****:** _sighs_ That is you supplies.

**Harry:** What are those?

**Snape**: Those are my feet, dumbass, and they will be halfway up your ass if you don't shut your mouth and pay attention! Okay, as I was saying.

**Ron:** Is that good?

**Snape****:** No more goddamned questions! You need to listen because you might die on this dangerous mission!

**Harry:** Sorry, I wasn't listening

**Snape****:** _smacks himself_ I figured just as much. The prisoners may be hostile and very scared. You might need to calm them down first.

**Ron:** That's easy for you to say!

**Snape****:** AARGGGHHH! The only two recruits I find and I get the dumb ones!

**Ron:** Is that good?

**Snape****:** No, that bloody well isn't good! _hears__ bomb sounds_ HIT THE DIRT! The enemy is approaching?

**Harry:** Sorry, I wasn't listening!

**Ron:** That's easy for you to say!

**Snape****:** I know bloody well you weren't listening! _grabs__ Harry and Ron and pulls them down to the floor_

**Hermione**: _buzzbuz_ _sits there laughing, knowing the reality of what just happened_ oo-ka-_ha_-kay! The next…_hahahaha_ game is Improbable Mission. This is for Malfoy and Harry. Ron will be providing the rape recording. Somebody in the audience give me the name of an ordinary, everyday activity. 

**Random Audience Member:** WASHIN' THE CAAAARRRRR!

**Hermione:** Yeah, that's a good one! You two will try to accomplish the mission of washing the car.

**Malfoy****:** Okay Potter, we've received another tape. Let's see what we have to do now.

**Harry:** _mutters_ Hope it's a duel so I can beat his ass with permission _pretends to put tape in recorder and cranks it up_

**Ron:** Good Mornin' agents! How are you doing?

**Malfoy****/Harry:** Fine, great. How was your vacation?

**Ron:** It was great, except Hermione kept giving me useless facts at every stop we cane to. Can you imagine? It wouldn't be so hard if _fast forwards_ Oh yeah, your mission, should you choose to accept it is; The Grand Puba from Ellijmaldova is meeting the president tomorrow. He drives a dirty Mercedes-Benz. Your mission is to wash, dry, wax, and buff the thing.

**Malfoy****:** _squeals like a girl_ Ewwwww! Gross!

**Ron:** If you fail to complete this mission, you will be teased and taunted, put naked in the middle of the street, and I will laugh at your ass! This message will self…

**Harry:**_ pushed stop button_ Okay, so we have to wash, dry, wax, and buff the car.

**Ron:** That's what I said.

**Malfoy****:** _takes tape and throws it out the window. Tape goes BOOM! Hehehe_

**Harry:** Let's go! _Mission__ Impossible Music starts_

**Malfoy****:** Crap. I left the car in the shop.

**Harry:** That's okay, we can use my new jet pack Polo shirt.

**Malfoy****:** That works! _Grabs Harry's sides and they fly to the location of the car_

**Harry:** Watch the shirt. I just had it cleaned and pressed! _They get to the car and find it completely filthy_

**Harry:** Oh, man! This is so filthy. How are we going to get started. Got any soap?

**Malfoy****:** Nope. Hey! My pants were only washed this morning. They weren't dried. Maybe there's still some suds. Hose me down!

**Harry:** Okay! _Tries to turn nozzle but nothing comes out_ There's nothing coming out!

**Malfoy****:** _sarcastically_ Maybe this will work _steps back and turns faucet_ Try it now Dumb ass!

**Harry:** _Turns nozzle and hoses Malfoy's pants_ If you have to go, please hold it! _Takes Malfoy and moves him side to side like a sponge_

**Malfoy****:** Ahhhh! That feels better!

**Harry:** Ah, no, you didn't did you? Oh well! Let's rinse her down! _Turns nozzle again and no water comes out. _MALFOY!!!!!

**Malfoy****:** What? _Steps off water hose. Harry rinses the car down._ Okay we have to wax it next.

**Harry:** Ooooooohhhhh, Turtle, Turtle! _Cracks it open like a coconut and uses it to wax the car._

**Malfoy****:** Now that's done, how will we buff the thing?

**Harry:** We'll use the traveler's size auto buff, I've been meaning to give it to Snape since the "accident". He needs it to gives his head that chrome-like shine!

**Snape****:** Hey!

**Malfoy****:** Okay, let me see. _He buffs the car the car little by little and finishes eventually_ There! Finished. The Grand Puba of Ellijmaldova will be pleased. _Caw. Caw. Caw. Splat!_****

**Harry/Malfoy:** _Points at crap_ Awww Crap!

**Hermione:** _Buzz. Buzz.Buzz. Laughs._

**Audience:** _Laughs big time_

**Snape****:** _Still got his silk thong in a twist about the auto buff joke_. Fifty points from Gryffindor!

**Hermione:** How many do I have to tell you, old bald man! The points don't matter! This next game is "Song Styles" for Harry. _Harry gets up and gets stool. Hermione gets up and looks through audience._ Oh, hi! Now, what's your name?

**Audience Member:** _mutters_ _"Stupid Bitch"_ Cho Chang.

**Hermione:** Ah, yes. And what do you love to do?

**Cho****:** Eat, and dieting. I'm trying to watch my figure.

**Hermione:** _Surprised expression_. Okay, Harry, you have to sing a song to Cho in Polka about food and diet.

**Harry:** _Looks disgusted with Cho._ Do I have to, after what happened on Valentine's Day?

**Hermione:** Would you like some cheese with that whine? Yes you have to do it. ****

**Ron:** Way to go Hermione

**Hermione:** You know, I should still be mad at you from the FIRST Episode. Cheating on me? Ok, Harry, begin when you're ready. _Signals to the music which starts Rock/Polka tune_

**Harry:** (By the way, Thanks to "Weird Al Yankovic" adopted from "Grapefruit Diet")

_Loosens up_ This is what you deserve, Bitch!

What's that waddling down the street?

It's just Cho 'cause she loves to eat

Fudge and Twinkies and deviled spam

Who's really flabby, yes she am!

Every picture of her is

Gotta be an aerial view.

Now the doctor tells Cho

There's just one thing left to do-

Grapefruit diet (Diet)

Throw out the pizza and butterbeer

Grapefruit diet (Diet)

Oh, get those jelly doughnuts out of here.

Grapefruit diet (Diet)

Might seem a little severe

Grapefruit diet (Diet)

Cho's tired of her big, fat rear

Blow Fatty!

Well she used to live on chocolate sauce

Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss

Walked down the alley and she got stuck

She's got more rolls than a pastry truck

When Cho's done eating

She eats a little more

When she leaves the room

First she's gotta grease the door

Grapefruit diet (Diet)

Can't have another éclair

Grapefruit diet (Diet)

She's gotta decrease her dèrriere

She's on a grapefruit diet

She's on a grapefruit diet

She's on a grapefruit diet

No more pie now

No more crème brulee

Lay off the gravy

And souffl

No french fri-yi-yies now

No ice cream parfait

No Mr. Cheese Nacho

Stay AAAAAA- WAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!

**Hermione:** _Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._ That was great Harry!

**Cho****:** _Starts twitching. _That was so mean, Harry!

**Harry:** Life's tough, get a helmet. And if you ever use me for comfort again, I'm prophesying an ass whooping. I don't care if you're a girl.

**Cho****:** _stomps off_

**Snape****:** I didn't think you had if in you, Potter.

**Malfoy****:** I admit, I'm impressed

**Harry:** _scared look_ Who the hell are you people.

**Hermione:** Okay, our final game is "Scenes from a Hat"

**Snape****:** Oh, yippee! Goodie Goodie!

**Harry:** _smacks Snape smoothly back-side the head, then whistles innocently_

**Hermione:** The first scene is "If Cartoon characters had adult conversations"

**Malfoy****:** (Scooby-Doo) I rent ro ris one raggy ritch's house and re raive re a rooby ranck for my rervices _Scooby laugh_

**Harry:** (Droopy) Yah know what…You're sexy.

**Ron:** (Foghorn Leghorn) I say, I say that how its done boy. Pay attention son or else you'll have no future.

**Harry:** (Bugs Bunny) Nneeh! What's up, good lookin'.

**Hermione:** _Buzz. Buzz. _That was, um… perverted.

**Harry/Ron/Malfoy/Snape:** Hey!

**Hermione:** Just can't handle the truth can you, guys. Next one is Unusual things to be coin-operated

**Harry:** _Rubs paddles together_ Clear! Does anyone have a quarter? Oh well!

**Snape****:** I have to piss does anyone have a quarter? _Audience laughs _I'm serious

**Malfoy****:** Entrance to bank. Fifty cents?

**Hermione:** Snape, you'll have to wait. Next scene is what you don't want to see tattooed on your date.

**Ron:** _Bends sideways_ Property of US Army?! Hermione!?

**Snape****:** How am I doing? Call 555…

**Hermione:** I'm sorry Ron. My uncle's in the military. Next scene is What Draco's thinking right now

**Harry:** I can't fight it, the Mudblood's hot! Sorry Mione

**Malfoy****:** Is this not a rock solid body?

**Ron:** Harry, that robe is waaayyyyy too seductive.

**Harry/Malfoy:** _jumps on and starts to pummel Ron._

**Hermione:** That's all for now, C'ya next time. Next week, a special Marauder's Episode. Harry, Malfoy get off him, he's MINE!!!


	6. Episode 4 Special Marauders Style

AN: Welcome back everyone! Sorry we took so long, real life sucks, espically for three 15 year old girls. That's right THREE. This episode was thought up and generally written by my good friend, Babylon for Life. Together, along with Amber whom you've met before, we compiled this wonderful little episode for you! Here it is: The Marauders' Episode!

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter or anything related to it, nor do we claim right to the Maury Polvich Show. (We are just playing with them for a little while to amuse ourselves and others!)

_Back at Hogwarts:_

When Dumbledore called Harry, Ron, Hermoine, Draco, and Snape into his office, they knew it was about the show. It had been a roaring success since they had been added, with ratings through the roof. When they all sat down, Dumbledore said, "Okay, you guys are off for the week, but you all will be coming to see the show. We are going to have five special guests join the cast for the next episode."

"Who's filling in for us, Professor?" Hermione asked.

Dumbledore smiled at Harry when he answered. "The teenage versions of Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and James and Lily Potter."

Harry gasped, "How???", while Severus screamed, "WHY? LIKE HELL WITH THIS HAIR! I WOULD COERCE MY TEENAGE SELF INTO SUICIDE!!!" Draco, Hermione, and Ron laughed.

"A very complex, little known spell," Dumbledore replied, ignoring Severus's statement, "that will enable them to come to our time, but only for a short while. I will cast the spell when you are not here, so I can just explain everything simply to them."

One Day Later

They were all called back to Dumbledore's office the next day, and they were met with the bewildered stares of teenage Severus, Sirius, James, Remus, and Lily. When teenage Severus saw his future self walk into the room, he screamed, "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HAIR?" Everyone in the room laughed save teenage and adult Severus, and Dumbledore, whose lips were twitching at the corners, though.

Adult Severus sighed, and sat down in a chair gloomily.

"Well, I have explained to our guests about the show and what is expected of them. They are...er...still a little..._bewildered..._, so give them a few minutes. You will be leaving by portkey--" holds up an empty bottle of rum--"in two minutes time. In the meanwhile, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and Severus...er...Severus?"

Adult Severus was banging his head on the wall screaming, "WHY ME? WHY ME?"

"Um, well, just introduce yourselves," Dumbledore finished.

"Hi," Harry said sheepishly, "I'm Harry."

"Wow, Prongs!" Sirius said, "He looks just like you, mate! Except for his eyes. He has really familiar eyes though. He might be related to you in the future...maybe your son! And...WOW! That is a wicked scar, mate! How did ya get it?"

"Long story," Harry replied.

"Yeah, famous Scarhead," Draco said sarcastically. "I'm Draco Malfoy, and I don't want to shake your filthy hand," he said to Lily's outstretched hand.

Lily looked hurt. James clenched his fists at Draco. Draco cowered back immediately.

"I'm Ron Weasley."

"And I'm Hermione Granger. We all know who you are."

Remus said, "I'm sort of nervous about this. What if they don't laugh or like us?"

"HA!" Harry laughed, "If they can laugh at Snape being a nudist, they'll laugh at just about anything!"

"Snape was a nudist?" James asked while laughing. Teenage Snape walked over to the same wall his future self was on and joined in with the banging.

"Yeah, well it was sort of like this--"

"Everyone put a finger on the bottle, please. Ready? Three, two, one..."

Harry felt a jerk at his navel, and then his feet landed firmly on the ground of the backstage set.

They had a few hours before the show started, so Ron and Harry began working on the pile of homework they had let slip past them, while Hermione supervised them. They were all amused when adult Severus picked up the empty rum bottle and cried, "Why is the rum gone?" **(AN: that's for all you POTC fans out there...hehe!)**, and when Draco was sampling a joint of pot he found laying around in a dressing room. The teenagers from the past were all sitting around watching a delightful program called "CNN". When 5 minutes was called, they took their seats in the audience, excited about the show they were about to see. Then the music started.

**Lily**: Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like Jame's sex drive. It doesn't mean a thing!

**James**: HEY!

**Lily**: Bark for me, my sex puppy! SPEAK!

**James**: Woof, woof!!!

**Sirius**: Woof! Woo-- wait, sorry! I heard you say speak, and I--nevermind...

**Lily**: Okay, well, whatever. Today is a special episode. It is Marauders' Style! So, today, we have five very special guests in the audience. Can we get a big round of applause for our "Whose Line" patrons, Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Severus Snape? _each stand up in turn, except Severus and Draco, who is missing _Where's Severus and Draco?

**Hermione**: Well, I think Severus is trying to drown himself in a toilet, and Draco is passed out backstage. Or he might just be a little high. Who knows?

_Audience laughs_

**Lily**: Well, okay, um...Let's introduce today's cast. Marauder James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin, and their archrival, Severus Snape in his teenage self. And I am your host, Lily Evans.

**James**: LILY! I WANT TO HAVE WILD MONKEY SEX WITH YOU!!!

**Harry**: _screams and covers his eyes, embarrassed_

**Ron**: Wow, Harry! We know where your dad's mind is in!

**Hermione**: _slaps Ron_ So is yours, so shut up!

**Lily**: James, if you do not behave and quit your outbursts, I will have to curse you. Now, let's play a game! This is for everyone. Conference, folks! Your goal will be "Settling the Middle East Conflict". James will be playing President George W. Bush, whose favorite saying is "Weapons of mass destruction", Remus will be playing Prime Minister Tony Blair, who is obsessed with Winston Churchill and nuclear warfare, Sirius will be playing Yasar Arafat, who thinks EVERYTHING is "f#ked up", and Severus will playing that son-of-a-bi#!h Saddam Hussein, who loves to shoot people.

**Sirius**: HA! He can play the role of a son-of-a-bi#!h perfectly!

**Severus**: At least I HAD my own country, unlike you!

**Sirius**: Look at you now! Enjoying life in a high security prison!

**Lily**: _buzz buzz _Okay! ENOUGH! Let's start! _buzz_

**James**: I know that Hussein was harboring weapons of mass destruction. We are now setting up a democracy in Iraq.

**Remus**: Nuke em' all! Nuke em' all! I love you Winston Churchill!

**Severus**: You vote against me, I shoot you! BANG! BANG!

**Sirius**: I am a changed man of peace! The PLO had NOTHING to do with those f#ked up bombings in Israel, which should belong to me in ANY CASE!

**Severus**: BANG! You ate my piece of cake!

**Remus**: Cake? I love cake! I think we should feed Iraq cake with radioactive materials inside! Churchill would have done that!

**James**: Blair, get a grip! Not cake, but hydrogen bombs! Weapons of mass destruction is the solution to everything!

**Sirius**: Hey, that's f#ked up! Bombing is BAD!

**Severus**: HEY! YOU'RE UGLY!! BANG!

**Remus**: I think I am the best looking Prime Minister since Church--

**Severus**: HEY! IT'S THE DARK LORD! BANG! BANG! BANG? Uh-oh... he's not dying!

**Lily**: _buzz buzz_ Good job everybody! Good--

**Severus**: BANG!

**Lily**: SEVERUS! THE GAME IS OVER! Next game, please! Talk show! _audience cheers_ Okay, so your theme is "Who's my Baby's Father?", where you will be re-enacting a scene from the "Maury Polvich Show". Severus, you will be playing the distressed and confused mother, 400 lb. black Shaniqua, and you, Remus, will be playing her faithful husband Roy, who knows about the affair and sticks by her. Sirius, you will be playing her gangsta lover Big Joe. James, you will have the honor of being our host Maury, whose favorite line is "THAT'S STUPID!". Okay, let's start! _Buzz _

**James**: Welcome to today's show, "Fathers Revealed". Here we have Shaniqua and her husband Roy-- _indicates Remus and Severus_ -- Now, Roy, I understand you know that Shaniqua had a sexual relationship with someone around the time the child who calls you "Daddy" was conceived, correct?

**Remus**: _with a country accent _Yes, sir, Maury, but I stayed with her. It was a tough time for both of us, but-- _takes Severus's hand_-- I believed in her.

**James**: THAT'S STUPID! She cheated on you for God's sakes and you are staying with the ho! THAT'S STUPID!!!

**Severus**: Uh-uh, Maury! You did not just call me a ho! I am gonna kick yo ass, boi!

**Remus**: No, dear, no!_ restraining Severus _I love her Maury!

**James**: I don't think you'll love her once we bring out her signifigant other! Come on out, Big Joe!

_Crowd boos_

**Sirius**: _thick black slang _Yo, yo, yo! 'Sups, G's? Hey Shaniqua. baby! Whatchoo been up to, dawlin?

**Remus**: Don't talk to her, mutherf#ker!

_Sirius and Remus pretend to duke it out and then separated by James_

**James**: THAT'S STUPID!!! You guys put your testosterone away!

**Severus**: Roy, sugah, you sit down. You, Big Joe, you sit the f#k over there.

**James**: Okay, back to business. Big Joe, Roy, you both were doing the hokey-pokey with Shaniqua around the time the baby was conceived. Now we--

**Remus**: I have no doubt that the baby is mine! He even looks like me for Christ's sake!

**Sirius**: Whatchoo talkin about? That baby is blacka than my gangsta black azz!

**James**: THAT'S STUPID! I have the results in my hand right now! Pretends to remove card from envelope Wait a minute...Neither of you are the father?! THAT'S STUPID!

**Draco**: _Stands up in the audience_ Shaniqua, baby, I love you! Let me help you raise our child together!

**Severus**: Lil' Thuggy? Is that you? _buzz buzz_

**Lily**: _Dying with laughter _Alright, alright, you guys, that was great. Is everyone ready for that hat game?

_Audience cheers loudly_

**Lily**: That's what I thought! Okay, this is for everyone. You'll pull a hat of the box and put it on and assume a character from the theme "World's Worst Dating Video". Everyone understand? Okay, let's play. _buzz_

**James**: _picks up Two-horned Viking hat _Baby, you make me very horny!_ buzz_

**Sirius**: _picks up straw hat and a country accent_ I's usually pink apples, but I's like to pick cherries har' and thar'! _buzz_

**Remus**: _picks up wizard hat_ Hi! My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I am looking for a lady that can keep up with my speed _winks_ and can make my world more magical than it already is! _buzz_

**Sirius**: _picks up Smokey the Bear mask _Don't start forest fires, ladies. You can light mine! _buzz_

**James**: _picks up vampire mask _I vont to suck your blood, and then you'll suck my--

**Lily**: JAMES! _buzz_

**Severus**: _picks up police hat _I am going to have to arrest you, ma'am, because you've stolen my heart! I can see you in handcuffs right now! _buzz _

**Remus**: _picks up baseball hat_ All the gals like my the big piece of wood I play with! _buzz_

**James**: _picks up cheesehead hat _I'd like to wedge my cheese in you--

**Lily**: JAMES! I AM WARNING YOU! _buzz_

**Sirius**: _picks up mime baret_ I won't say what my hands want to do to you! _buzz_

**Remus**: _picks up captain's hat _All aboard this love boat, ladies! _buzz_

**Severus**: _picks up gorilla mask _If you think I am wild now, you should see me in bed! _buzz_

**James**: _picks up hat with beer cans on both sides and sucks through straw _This could be you in another place!

**Lily**: JAMES! ENOUGH! _buzz _Remind me to kill you later, James. _James's eyes widen in fear_ We're going to play "If You Know What I Mean" for our last game. Which means, every comment has to end in "If you know what I mean". You are going camping... Muggle style! This is for James, Sirius, and Remus.

**Severus**: Oh, I see how it is. _gives Lily the "talk to the hand"_

**Lily**: Um...okay...Well, yeah...whatever.

**James**: Dude, Snivellus, you are such a retard.

**Lily**: James, shut up. Even though I agree, shut up. Can we start now? _buzz _

**Sirius**: I'm going to pitch up the tent, if you know what I mean!

**James**: Time to light this fire, if you know that I mean!

**Remus**: How bout a dip in the lake, if you know what I mean!

**Sirius**: Let's roast some weenies, if you know what I mean! _Audience and Lily dies laughing. James and Remus pale a few shades_ What? _attempts to put innocent look on his face_

**James and Remus**: NO! We DON'T wanna know what you mean!

**James**: Let's play a game of cards, if you know what I mean!

**Sirius**: _yells _STRIP POKER!

**Remus**: _looks horrified _Let's make some smores, if you know what I'm saying!

**Sirius**: Let's frolic in the woods, if you know what I mean! _James and Remus run away from Sirius _

**Lily**: _buzz buzz _Er.... Sirius? Are you SURE you are secure with your sexuality?

**Sirius**: I don't know! Ask James!

**Lily**: Er.... _Stares murderously at James and Sirius_

**Harry**: MY GODFATHER AND MY FATHER ARE GAY??? _faints_

**James**: Nonono! Sirius, you jackass! Lily, he is just kidding!!! We are NOT gay!

**Lily**: Yeah, you better not be or you'll be missing a body part after this is over!

**Severus**: Weenies, anyone?

**Lily**: That threat can go for you too, Snivellus. _Severus cowers in fear _Good! That's all for tonight! Thanks everybody for watching us! Night, folks!

_End music_

After the show, Adult Severus staggered onto the stage, drunk, and walked up to Lily, and planted a firm kiss on the teen. Harry, who had just recovered from fainting after he believed his father figures to be gay, saw the kiss, and once again fainted. Lily pushed Severus away from her and asked, "What the HELL are you doing?"

"Lily... I never told you...but...hiccup...I LOVE YOU!" Severus screamed out.

Lily looked quite shocked, and didn't say anything. James, however, ran up to the older man and screamed, "WHAT? SHE IS MINE!"

Severus looked at the young James, and got a twisted look on his face. "I couldn't ever take you when we were in school, but now I think I can manage it!" He pounced on the teen and started throwing punches.

Sirius, Remus, and teenage Snape started placing bets on the brawl. Lily, however, was sobbing and wiping her mouth drastically.

Harry, once again, recovered and stood up. Draco came stumbling up the stairs to where the Gryffindor Trio was sitting and took a seat beside them. "Did I miss something?"

Harry nodded his head. "Yeah, a lot. My godfather and my father are gay, I think."

Draco looked mildly surprised. "And?"

Harry replied angrily, "THEY'RE GAY!"

Draco looked a little annoyed. "What is the matter with being gay?"

Harry looked up at the blonde in utter disbelief. Hermione, however, spoke. "Draco, are you sure you're not a little high?"

Draco gave the famous Malfoy smirk. "I might be high, but I still know what I want."

And with that, Draco leaned over and kissed Harry passionately.

And, once again, for the third time that night, Harry fainted onto the floor.

AN: Don't you just love slash!? Anyway, normal episode next time! And then, after that, why not a little Death Eater episode with our favorite Dark Lord! Until next time!


End file.
